MarcusASmith.com

I grew up in a hierarchical household.  The power structure was clearly defined from day one.  There was one golden rule:

“You are a child. You do what the adults tell you to do.”

Before I learned the true value of sitting down without a resonating sting in my butt I would often test the limits of this rule.  After 3000 spankings I finally learned that nobody really cared what the 7 year old in the room had to say.

Sure I had a functional voice box.  It produced sound.  It produced words.  I could grunt, moan, cry, sigh, and mutter under my breath with the best of them.  The courage to speak my mind did not bubble up to the surface until much later on in life.

My family lived by the motto “children are to be seen, not heard”.

Until the age of 14 I didn’t really appreciate what was going on.  Seemingly out of the clear blue sky my father decided to change his parenting style.  He was beginning to lecture me on one of my many indiscretions when he stopped mid sentence.

Instead of diving headfirst into the lecture he said “I’m going to stop treating you like a child.  In a few years you will be an adult.  You need to know how to hold a conversation.  From today forward I will talk to you, and I refuse to talk at you.  If I continue to treat you like a child you will always be a child”.

Those words are very important and they say a lot about my father’s  chosen method of communication.  He recognized the difference between talking to me and talking at me.

People talk to adults and talk at children.  Talking at adults is an incredibly powerful way to ensure that all your words fall on def ears.

What does talking AT a person mean?

So what does talking at a person mean?  In general talking at a person is associated with dictatorial communication.

A person is talking at you when:

• The person’s chosen language isn’t inclusive (I, they, mine instead of we, us, and ours)
• Very few questions are asked/answered
• One person is providing direction that can not be challenged.
• Sentences are short and matter of fact
• Very few (if any) explanations are provided

What does talking TO a person mean?

A person is talking to you when:

•  Inclusive language is used
• Questions are welcome
• Sentences  are structured to gather consensus
• Requests for full explanation are met with little to no resistance at all

How does this relate to me?

As a presenter/communicator you must be aware of the way your message comes across.  Do you present yourself as a know it all expert?  Are you abrasive?  Do you respond well to constructive criticism? Do you speak in a manner that makes other people feel involved in the discussion or speech?

The way you answer those questions determines if you are talking to people or at them.  If you are talking at adults you should seriously work at getting that under control.

Conclusion

There are 2 ways to communicate with a person.

1. Treat them like a child (talk at them).
2. Treat them like an adult (talk to them).

Here is a golden rule to live by: address children like children and address adults like adults.  The rest will take care of itself.

written by Marcus A Smith